Let me start off by saying this morning I weighed in @ 377.6 that's another 2.8 pounds ~ Yippee!! I wasn't going to post full body pictures of me, then I was then I wasn't .... and this morning I tried on a pair of jeans I couldn't wear a week ago... and they fit, what an awesome feeling... so I said you know I'm failing to want to post these pictures because they convict me visually - not just inside - and it also exposes me to other people as well - those who may have just known me shoulder up - in order for me to do this I had to reflect on some serious stuff... and I'm putting it here because I need to be reminded if I get weak, or hit a bump, slip, gain a pound back etc...
My weight is my demon I have to live with, the difference between mine and others is I wear it on the outside before someone even knows my name, they have measured themselves up with all sorts of thoughts of - you ready?
I would never let myself get that fat, she must eat a lot, man she is FAT, I would be embarrassed to be that big, Her husband must really love her - look how fat she is, wonder if she smells bad or funny, fast food junkie ,lazy, slob, disgusting, must have terrible hygiene, she has such a pretty face if she lost weight she would be beautiful, she is a really nice person, poor ... she must be miserable, she must not care about herself, her sex life must be non existent, if she did care about herself she would lose the weight ---- arghhhh I could just sit here and do this all day because it has been my life for more than 25 years!
But in reality here is the real deal -
a) I know I am fat
b) I know there are those who are disgusted by people who are fat
c) most of us fatties will do our darnedest to entertain you so you don’t rip on us too hard once this social interaction has come to a close
And, in grand fat tradition, if someone makes some sort of fat joke or comment, it behooves us to find it just as funny as everyone else because – all together now – ”I DON’T MEAN YOU”. aha thanks I feel better now that your comment about Fat people didn't include me - seriously?
I don't have Fat Cooties - it's okay to be my friend, it's okay to go have a bite to eat with me, I won't pick off of your plate (pinky swear), it's okay to invite me to your Christmas Party - I won't wear a moo moo, or eat all of the appetizers, or plop my fat butt on your precious sofa and break it or accidentally sit on your yorkie poo and it vanish forever.
Stereotypically when people see me I am "The Fat Woman" NOT Lana or that lady who volunteers for whatever, or will help you clean your house, Make a meal for your family when you are too sick to, run errands with you because I know you need or would like a friend to pal around with or to vent to, will drop what I am doing to listen or help others, even if I have a deadline...etc etc/
I know that sounds extreme but it is true on many instances okay okay to be fair some people think they are being nice by saying large, or big, or ha they break out with the physical gestures like my name was drawn in a game of charades....
I so need to spit all of this out, but I need to also make my point first back to what I was saying, My weight is my DEMON, everywhere I go I have to battle with it - and deal with it looks, stares, comments whatever... Let me ask you this what are your demons??? Would you wear your demons on the outside everywhere you went so you could be judged, ridiculed, laughed at, left out, unapproachable or whatever??? Don't understand? How's this would you hold a sign up and carry it every where you go that expresses your demon? Like this - I am addicted to barnyard porn, I am a sex addict, I am an adulterous man or woman, I am a hoarder, I beat my children and verbally abuse them, I Gossip about you, you and yes you, I am on welfare, I have AIDS, I don't know... you fill in the blank with I AM or I HAVE your biggest hang up, issue, or SIN.. would you wear it everywhere you went, what if you didn't have the ability to make it vanish over night and had to wear it for years before it would go away??? Would it change where you went, what you did, how people treated you?
My fat is not contagious, I don't enjoy it, I do work @ losing it but it is freaking hard, it's not a one day battle it is ongoing 24 - 7 ~ and when some feels they need to comment or have a say about the size of my body it does not really encourage me to lose weight okay?
This suits me so well...
I was filling out one of those surveys that floats around Facebook and other social online places, and I came across this question: what stereotype are you? My answer was swift, somewhat bitter, and got longer than I thought it would. I also thought it probably deserved an entry of its own, so here it is:
I am a fat woman.
This means that I am lazy, greedy, gluttonous, stupid, selfish, and have questionable personal hygiene habits. I have no friends and have never had a romantic relationship, and am jealous of those who do. I am desperate to be liked, and even more desperate to be loved. If, by chance, I have found love, it is a desperate love. If I am heterosexual, it is with a man who could not do any better than me. If I am homosexual, it is because no man would have me. If I am bisexual, it is because I am so desperate for love that I'll take it anywhere I can find it. If I am asexual, it is because I have given up.
I am clumsy, and do not know my own strength, weight, or size. I often sit on things accidentally and not even notice. I break chairs and floorboards and make elevators creak and sway alarmingly. I get stuck in doorways and narrow passages because I am incapable of understanding or judging how large I am in relation to my environment.
I openly eat ten times as much as the next person, none of it healthy, and sneak even more when I think nobody's looking.
I am often both overbearing and oversensitive, meaning I am both bossy and weepy at the same time. I am incapable of success in business, industry, family, romance, or any other sphere I lend my hands and mind to, unless it is cooking or baking. These I am natrually gifted at, obviously.
It is perfectly acceptable to make fun of me, discriminate against me, or abuse me because I am fat and have chosen to be so, and could choose not to be. I could choose to be thin, but I do not because I am lazy, gluttonous, and stupid. Therefore I deserve to be fat, and thus deserve to be made fun of, discriminated against, and abused. It is, in fact, better to be unkind to me because of my fat, for my own good. If I get enough abuse it may overwhelm my natural laziness and cause me to choose to be thin. The world does me a favour by abusing me. It is my fault. I deserve it.
My worth is inversely proportional to my weight.
Everything I do is either the cause of my fat, or because of my fat. If I eat a carrot stick, it is not because I like them; it is because I am fat and am obviously trying to lose weight. If I eat cake, it is not because it is somebody's birthday; it is because I am fat, and thus I obviously eat a lot of it. If I take the escalator, it is because I am fat, and thus lazy. If I choose to take the stairs instead, it is because I am fat, and thus am trying to lose weight through exercise. If I walk past a doughnut store, it is because I am fat, and am resisting temptation. If I walk into a doughnut store, it is because I am fat, and have no self-control. If I take the bus, it is because I am fat and am too lazy to walk. If I walk, it is because I am fat, and am trying to lose weight. I never read books because I enjoy the mental stimulation; I read them to escape from my awful life. I don't watch television because it's entertaining; I watch it because I am too lazy to read, and do not wish to get up off the couch. If I drink a can of pop, it is the cause of my fat. If I drink a can of diet pop, it is because I am fat and am trying not to be. If I wear something formless and ugly, it is because I am fat and given up on looking pretty, because it is impossible. I never wear a skirt because I think it looks pretty; I wear it because it disguises my fat. I never spend time with my husband because I genuinely love him; I do it because he's the only one in the world who would settle for me, can do no better for himself, and otherwise I'd be desperately alone.
Everything I read, drink, eat, wear, watch, or do is defined by my fat.
The world has decided that I am lazy and greedy and useless because I am fat, and also that I am fat because I am lazy and greedy and useless. That is all they see. Anything I do that fits the image is confirmation of why I'm fat. Anything I do that contradicts it is seen as confirmation that I am trying to not be fat. Nothing I do is neutral: all actions either contradict or confirm. There is no middle ground for me, even though there may be for others. Because I am fat.
I am a fat woman, and according to the world, fat is all there is to me.
That is what stereotype I am.
And for the record I could totally go for a yummy breakfast with my friend Sharon but not today, for today I am trying my best to do my best. So if you happen to see me shoving a piece of cake down my throat in the near future it may be that I have no self control or could it be that my four kids and husband have birthdays lined up 1/20, 2/18, 3/8, 3/16, 4/11 and not to mention my son graduates high school 5/2011.
If you made it this far thanks... and if anything I have said in this entry offended you, just remember (I wasn't talking about you) it was the other ones ;)
headed the right direction again…
